Filed under: Past Memories
28th January 2009
If you have not already known, I have been putting on pounds gradually. No, I am not going to attribute this tremendous weight gain to my ex-personal trainer, my mum’s cooking, my genes and any other bullshit. There is only one reason and it has got to be me . That’s right…
A considerable amount of time was spent drowning myself in my comfort zone- eating, sleeping and telly watching excessively. This problem did not sprout up overnight. Like what I’ve mentioned, it happened over time which means to say that I was in fact piling up the fats knowingly! Apart from experiencing temporal depression, deep down in my sub consciousness, I wanted to gain it all back.
After all, last year was the first time when I have learnt how to shed off the unwanted pounds both healthily and confidently through a trainer. Thereafter, now and then, I would question myself out of curiosity, “What would I do if I turn fat all over again? How would I handle it- like a breeze or a storm?”. I was interested in exploring my emotions throughout the transition from fit to fat. And yeah, whether am I committed to losing the pounds all by myself now without the guidance of a personal trainer? These are the punctuated points I have left out prior to my first successful weight loss. So I thought I have some revisiting to do and here I am now, stuck in my used to be fat phase and some answers to my prior questions.
It really feels different from being fit to fat, probably one of the most silent and deadliest transformation to me. Honestly with fingers crossed, at a very personal level, I think my self esteem and confidence are somewhat inversely proportionate to my weight. I do not want to generalize the statement into, “Fat people can’t find any confidence, self esteem nor security because they don’t have any to begin with” because I do get acquainted with few bulbous ones who talk, walk and present themselves in great confidence.
Sadly, I am not one of them. I feel myself shrinking in presence despite the ironic fact that I have been growing in size. I feel that I have lost my voice too especially on the discussion of losing weight. I used to retort back when people said, “Hey weightlifting is not going to help! Protein shake will make you turn bigger!….”. Nowadays, my heart remains very defensive to such baseless comments, however, the volume to my voice has been decreasing so much that it all amounts to mute sometimes. It is a psychological weakness beyond my control.
I spent a few minutes pondering if there are any other major observations I ought to take note. It seemed like a no to me. Perhaps, the lack of confidence and self esteem are the lethal poisons. The good (and most difficult) thing is it only takes an overdose of confidence and self esteem to counter weight gain.
During my initial weight loss endeavour, this was one major problem to me too. Everything takes time and it doesn’t help given the fact that I make an impatient person who wants result fast, fast and fast!
It was a little more easy (comes with an exorbitant training fee though) for me then because I was emotionally reliant on my trainers and gym mates. So each time I was overwhelmed with negative emotions and energy, I seek truckloads of comfort from my gym’s community. It was truly motivating because we support one another mentally and physically. In addition, I was in fact under undue pressure to lose simply because it was a big stake for me- I have exhausted the bulk of my money on this bet and many people around me are watching- how I rise or perhaps how I fall. I can’t afford to fail. Most importantly, I have three schduled gym appointments weekly and each time, I am not just the only one huffing and puffing my way through. For money sake, I couldn’t have missed it!
Well now, I’m basically on my own without the exorbitant fee, support, accountability and healthy competition.
*bawls*
Don’t worry, I would like to believe I am doing fine at least in the training aspect. I have been training in school every Tuesday for two consecutive weeks minus this week’s due to lunar chinese new year yet compensated for it on last Saturday. I have already endured the worst post training aches the on the unawakened muscles. Since most of my muscles are wide awake now, all I have to do now is to keep up the momentum. In terms of techniques and posture, I am glad that I have kept them with me. Currently, I am working towards the goal of training thrice weekly- Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday.
It is amazing how pumping steel is not as tough as eating right diligently that it! I have problems with my selection of food and eating in moderation as well. I am both a perfectionist and extremist and it is not necessarily a good thing. I only experience the most extreme result- either I eat healthy or totally unhealthy; there is no leeway for an in-between.
Take last Saturday for instance, I woke up on a positive note- to lose it all! With a cup of oolong tea and a tablespoon of flaxseeds, I headed to the gym. Worked it all out and went home feeling fantastic. Took a hot shower and began asking mummy for something healthier- brown rice and tom yam soup with egg, prawns and meat. During the lapse in cooking time, things went completely wrong. It all started out with one ferraro rocher, then another and perhaps another till the whole entire box turned half full. Damage was done and I thought to myself, “Why even bother? I shall strike off today and start tomorrow”. Destruction continues…This is a grossly sick behaviour and I have to put an end to it with seal and sealing wax.
It is quite miserable when no one really trusts that I am capable of losing it all over again by myself given my past record of being extremely fickle minded which has not been to my advantage at all- it’s a bad bad habit. Even my mum put it so bluntly across that she don’t believe I would feed myself on vegetables! However, it is a good thing that I found strength within myself and if you really want my opinion, I do not really care what people have to say when it comes to how I should handle my weight issues and pre-forecasting my probability of success.
Why? I have done it once and I don’t see why I can’t do it the second time! I may fail for the first, second, third time and so on…but I am not going to stop trying till the day I succeed.
You have a choice: Throw in the towel or use it to wipe the sweat off your face. I am picking the latter for sure.
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