Shame to tell but this song is tears jerker in a sweet manner. Bread the band has this innate ability to sing to someone’s heart. That’s why I like oldies, cheesy but genuine and sincere.

We have known each other way back in tennis class. Ironically, it was a sports I was hopeless in while she was not too talented in either. We spent the bulk of the time picking up tennis balls or otherwise, lying against the fences and staring into the vast azure blue sky with gentle breeze blowing gently on our faces. She was also the very first girl who got me acquainted with swimming during my teenage years. Brought me to her estate’s pool, lent me her the less sexy version of her swim suit and even paid for my swimming fare at senior citizen’s rate. We joined lifesaving club together, swam in the baby pool under the stars- been there and done that too. Not to mention, the numerous pig out sessions we had. And oh, I love listening to stories of her crushes and pictures of them which she gladly sent me.

The night ended with her sending me a picture of her ex-crush with goats. And she continued, “SUCKER. He came to queesland and didn’t even bother to contact me. Never mind, now I have A“.

It could not have been more hilarious. Oh lord, she just has this innate ability to make me laugh and giggle like a little girl. This feisty girl is going to be back for good. I could not be happier.

I attended a networking session on Women in Banking hosted by Credit Suisse this evening. A panel of very charismatic, confident and charming ladies were sitting across the panel to each deliver part of their working experiences within different divisions of the bank. For awhile, I thought I saw Lucy Liu from Cashmere Mafia, Carrie Bradshaw from Sex and the City and the list went on. I was indeed mesmerized by the diversity in cultures and ethnicity. It didn’t feel like am in Singapore. To digress a little, I pretended am in New York City (what a dreamer, I know).

I was that silly girl in my charcoal grey suit and high sky heels seated in the corner of the conference room. You should look at how my eyes grew in fascination during the panel presentation. Its vibrant global presence just made everything seemed so exciting, really.

One lady in the sales and trading desk shared that she has been entrenched in an American culture for over a decade. She has just relocated from Hong Kong to Singapore, happily married with a primary school daughter. Another worked in the Operations department of Private Banking Division and she used to travel extensively due to her consulting job. Similarly, she is married with a 2 year old child.

Spot the trend now- of a happy family and a successful career? I am glad that they are not mutually exclusive after all, I hope to achieve this balance someday in my life too.

Tonight is the night I hope to remember as a college student because 5 years down the road, I know and have the confidence my life would be much better and different from now. Believe me and we shall see…

Not to mention, a selfish reason on my part is simply that writing has a therapeutic effect for someone expressive like me. I express myself through speech and written words. If you have not known, I used to be a public speaker, a storyteller, a drama club member. I communicate, deliver and connect with people, very much built and wired that way. It’s in my blood.

For the longest time, I do miss sharing an inspiring thought or a meaningful life lesson learnt. I can’t go round telling people these, they might be too weary or busy to be interested or otherwise, they might even highly categorize me as a psychotic potential. I ain’t no saint trying to change the world but it’s just a humble hope of mine to be able to share some stories and maybe touch a soul or more somewhere out there.

I have nothing to offer but only words in all honesty and sincerity. Stay if you want to and leave whenever you feel like, probably one of the most non committal relationships you could have- guilt free. And it is only through this way, we keep things real.

If you have not already known, I have been putting on pounds gradually. No, I am not going to attribute this tremendous weight gain to my ex-personal trainer, my mum’s cooking, my genes and any other bullshit. There is only one reason and it has got to be me . That’s right…

A considerable amount of time was spent drowning myself in my comfort zone- eating, sleeping and telly watching excessively. This problem did not sprout up overnight. Like what I’ve mentioned, it happened over time which means to say that I was in fact piling up the fats knowingly! Apart from experiencing temporal depression, deep down in my sub consciousness, I wanted to gain it all back.

After all, last year was the first time when I have learnt how to shed off the unwanted pounds both healthily and confidently through a trainer. Thereafter, now and then, I would question myself out of curiosity, “What would I do if I turn fat all over again? How would I handle it- like a breeze or a storm?”. I was interested in exploring my emotions throughout the transition from fit to fat. And yeah, whether am I committed to losing the pounds all by myself now without the guidance of a personal trainer? These are the punctuated points I have left out prior to my first successful weight loss. So I thought I have some revisiting to do and here I am now, stuck in my used to be fat phase and some answers to my prior questions.

It really feels different from being fit to fat, probably one of the most silent and deadliest transformation to me. Honestly with fingers crossed, at a very personal level, I think my self esteem and confidence are somewhat inversely proportionate to my weight. I do not want to generalize the statement into, “Fat people can’t find any confidence, self esteem nor security because they don’t have any to begin with” because I do get acquainted with few bulbous ones who talk, walk and present themselves in great confidence.

Sadly, I am not one of them. I feel myself shrinking in presence despite the ironic fact that I have been growing in size. I feel that I have lost my voice too especially on the discussion of losing weight. I used to retort back when people said, “Hey weightlifting is not going to help! Protein shake will make you turn bigger!….”. Nowadays, my heart remains very defensive to such baseless comments, however, the volume to my voice has been decreasing so much that it all amounts to mute sometimes. It is a psychological weakness beyond my control.

I spent a few minutes pondering if there are any other major observations I ought to take note. It seemed like a no to me. Perhaps, the lack of confidence and self esteem are the lethal poisons. The good (and most difficult) thing is it only takes an overdose of confidence and self esteem to counter weight gain.

During my initial weight loss endeavour, this was one major problem to me too. Everything takes time and it doesn’t help given the fact that I make an impatient person who wants result fast, fast and fast!

It was a little more easy (comes with an exorbitant training fee though) for me then because I was emotionally reliant on my trainers and gym mates. So each time I was overwhelmed with negative emotions and energy, I seek truckloads of comfort from my gym’s community. It was truly motivating because we support one another mentally and physically. In addition, I was in fact under undue pressure to lose simply because it was a big stake for me- I have exhausted the bulk of my money on this bet and many people around me are watching- how I rise or perhaps how I fall. I can’t afford to fail. Most importantly, I have three schduled gym appointments weekly and each time, I am not just the only one huffing and puffing my way through. For money sake, I couldn’t have missed it!

Well now, I’m basically on my own without the exorbitant fee, support, accountability and healthy competition.

*bawls*

Don’t worry, I would like to believe I am doing fine at least in the training aspect. I have been training in school every Tuesday for two consecutive weeks minus this week’s due to lunar chinese new year yet compensated for it on last Saturday. I have already endured the worst post training aches the on the unawakened muscles. Since most of my muscles are wide awake now, all I have to do now is to keep up the momentum. In terms of techniques and posture, I am glad that I have kept them with me. Currently, I am working towards the goal of training thrice weekly- Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday.

It is amazing how pumping steel is not as tough as eating right diligently that it! I have problems with my selection of food and eating in moderation as well. I am both a perfectionist and extremist and it is not necessarily a good thing. I only experience the most extreme result- either I eat healthy or totally unhealthy; there is no leeway for an in-between.

Take last Saturday for instance, I woke up on a positive note- to lose it all! With a cup of oolong tea and a tablespoon of flaxseeds, I headed to the gym. Worked it all out and went home feeling fantastic. Took a hot shower and began asking mummy for something healthier- brown rice and tom yam soup with egg, prawns and meat. During the lapse in cooking time, things went completely wrong. It all started out with one ferraro rocher, then another and perhaps another till the whole entire box turned half full. Damage was done and I thought to myself, “Why even bother? I shall strike off today and start tomorrow”. Destruction continues…This is a grossly sick behaviour and I have to put an end to it with seal and sealing wax.

It is quite miserable when no one really trusts that I am capable of losing it all over again by myself given my past record of being extremely fickle minded which has not been to my advantage at all- it’s a bad bad habit. Even my mum put it so bluntly across that she don’t believe I would feed myself on vegetables! However, it is a good thing that I found strength within myself and if you really want my opinion, I do not really care what people have to say when it comes to how I should handle my weight issues and  pre-forecasting my probability of success.

Why? I have done it once and I don’t see why I can’t do it the second time! I may fail for the first, second, third time and so on…but I am not going to stop trying till the day I succeed.

You have a choice: Throw in the towel or use it to wipe the sweat off your face. I am picking the latter for sure.

I often harbour mental image of myself riding in a car and singing to the 80s and 90s…Why? Simple, it makes me trigger happy reminiscing about the good old days dated way back when I was in kindergarten.

Yeah, I could still recall how it became my favourite hobby to sit side by side with my second eldest sister as she plucked one of the earphones into my ear and let our hearts melt in Mariah Carey’s Without You. That’s how I grew with Class 95FM since I was 5 or 6? Till today,  I still get excited each time I tune into the station as I bob, move and sing to my favourite tunes just like my childhood days.

Some of my classic moments with this station are as follow…

How can we forget about mugging (don’t)? With Class 95FM around, it definitely kept me awake longer in the night. It probably helps to divide the pressure I am facing too. After a whole night of studying, I often look back and get pleasantly surprised at the pace of my revision which seemed effortless with the company of the station. Not to mention, it comes with very little radio commercials too.

Have you tried running with great music under the evening skyline? The experience was totally relaxing . I would reckon it as a very nice “me” time to reflect about everything under the stars. Personally, it is definitely an inexpensive and perhaps, a more effective way to rejuvenate oneself contrary to those overpriced facials, spas, massage…nahs, nope, not for me.

During my internship with a government regulated body, I was attached to a small department with a number of senior officers. What came through your mind instantly? Grumpy looking, thick rimmed glasses and very rigid personalities? Wrong…honestly- with fingers crossed, we kinda bridge our generation gap and bond  through the oldies. I could recall how so many of us managed to pack inside a humble Toyota’s Corolla and sing to Class 95FM’s on our way back and forth to Botak Jones. I won’t mind doing that again, really!

There was a temporary period when I was working for a local bank and it thus, granted me access to their staff gym located near town. I qualified as a gym frequent then and would often train at least once weekly. Each time my training session ends, in a bid to save on the bus fare for short transit trip, I have chosen to walk instead. In return, I rewarded myself with the company of music and Marina’s millions dollar view. (For Singaporeans) My trip starts from DBS Tower One to Lau Pau Sar to One Raffles Quay and all the entire route leading to Esplanade itself. The combination of tall skyscrapers, romantic sea view, gentle night tide, the largest Ferris Wheel and arty farty theatre were all mine- at no cost. However, the experience was priceless, preserved and hedged against the continuing timeline. I could feel myself being part of the scene, right now…

My ever first clubbing trip was on a Wednesday which spelt Mambo Night where the club would intensively play the 80s and 90s in full blast coupled with good bass! Considering I do not party much, that has got to be one of the best experiences! The music was holly molly damn good old shit’! It was so good so much that I did not know how to express myself to relate the ecstacy I felt.

More to come till my hair turn grey, yeah? Not sure if I would like my grand child to sing to Mariah Carey’s, Air Supply’s… when his or her friends are going goo goo garr garr over their very own era’s of Britney Spears.

I often enjoy confessing how atrocious my English used to be when I was young. The bottom line is I have never given up trying. This silent transformation has definitely made me a more polished speaker and writer in today’s context.

Granted, I may not sweep you off your feet through my speech and words. However, I am sufficiently satisfied as long as I could be understood. This has since allowed me to express myself better through personal stories in my life and who knows, it may spark a new inspiration or motivation to someone out there. Most importantly, translating my thoughts and feelings into words puts me into fresh perspectives about myself and my life.

I would like to attribute words as the the mirror in my life which seldom lies. Subconsciously, I tend to be brutally honest with myself. Maybe it is because of this lack in deception which makes everything so beautiful, something which I regarded as a form of art. Art is an imperfection punctuated with flaws. Ironically, it turns out to be picturesque.

Come to think about it, I have really come a long way…

It puts me off when I observed my nephew’s act of nonchalance in attempting a set of vocabulary paper (multiple choice). Almost a decade ago, I was similarly that confused school kid with no clue on the bank of bombastic words. Instead of trying my luck through the game of probability, I adopted the labourious approach. I spent hours rummaging through pages of Cambridge English dictionary in search of the correct definition to each word. Assuming there are 10 questions on each page with a total of 10 pages. It would overall form an intimidation consisting 400 words.

I could still vividly recall how badly I wanted to furnish my language in composition writing. Taking the advice of an English teacher, I diligently referred to a synonym table in a bid to diversify my choice of vocabularies used in an essay. It turned out to be a complete disaster! Below is a sample to assist in your figment of imagination.

The policeman constable chase after the girl… Thereafter, policeman constable questioned the thief…The policeman constable then praised Mary….

The worst part about being young and naive was when I really believed that I have done an excellent job. Besides being overly ecstatic to submit the masterpiece, I could not have been more eager to receive the graded assignment.

Now, you could imagine the crestfallen expression on my face emphasized with a tinge of sadness. This was exactly the feeling I have experienced umpteen times over a couple of years. It is the process of slipping and climbing consecutively and not allowing moments of weaknesses to overcome you at the same time.

Did I mention I was a very creative writer too? However, overflowing with too much creative juices was not to my advantage either during high school days. Frankly speaking, I could not remember the number of times I have been marked Out of Point for my essays. My highly creative stories include going on a date when a blackout occurred, meeting a fatal accident after buying a carton of orange juice…and many more.

Having an eager and excited personality did not assist me in writing as well. This is what happen when I started writing and end up losing the brake to stop.

David was very happy to receive his birthday present which he thought was the most amazing gift bought by his girlfriend who was a pretty and petite lady dressed in a stunning blouse and skirt at his memorable 18th birthday bash which was held in his new apartment, situated in Siglap Bank.

Phew! It definitely makes a full stop seemed so much more sacred now. The erroneous run on!

It is true. I think I was too ambitious for my own good then. My weak foundation in English obviously did not allow me to handle long and more sophisticated sentences. Attempts in furnishing one led to a painful torture to sight of the readers.

With assistance from a truly amazing English teacher, I have been coerced and convinced into starting humble and simple with my sentences. It worked! As I slowly progressed, I am beginning to find it a breeze and most importantly, a joy in writing!

I have never really fathom how these baby steps could bring me so far in life today. From morbid apprehension to sheer passion, it is indeed a positive transformation for me. Moral of the day: Never give up nor underestimate your true own capacity because your intrinsic value is definitely highly than what you believe in.

It was late into the night, clad casually in a red Winnie The Pooh pyjamas, I slowly pry opened the door. With each cautious footstep, I tried walking towards the DVD player inches away from me. In sheer discreet darkness, he made a muffled movement from his sleep. Instantly, I stood transfixed to the ground and fixed a frozen gaze on him.

“Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh,” he let out a piercing shriek.

He was my brother and in his slumber, he foolishly thought that he saw a ghost in red. I was merely trying to retrieve a DVD from his player only!

Or do I really look like a ghost with messy and grassy hair?

*Sullks*

Like a child, I always painted a very innocent, naive and beautiful picture when it comes to love. This fairytale ending is what I have been anticipating since young even my family could vouch for that. When I was merely a 6 year old girl, I would confidently remark ” I want a house like this next time!” whenever I passed by a stretch of terraces and bungalows. The idea of a family fascinated me a lot. It contains a magical spark which simply makes a picture complete and a heart wholesome.

For those who know, I am still waiting for that picturesque painting to appear miraculously. Just the other day, when I attended a recruitment talk along with another friend. The concern of clocking the European hours in a local ground struck me: I may end up being an angry, desperate and dull single. That was essence of our conversation for the night about me wanting to find a husband and still wanting to a find husband.

Yeah, I have to admit being an impatient person by nature at times, I do feel that I am dropping behind in this pursuit of love. Needless to say, I have witnessed many who have found their eternal loves since high school period. In a few years’ time, I would soon be invited to wedding ceremonies of people who have once started from the line as I do. The only difference is the distance disparity between me and them.

Still, I am glad that I can remain rational under such irrational situations. Let me first remind myself by clarifying love is not a race. It is indeed nonsensical to calibrate love by the time span taken for one to get married. There is no prize for being first to be hitched. Love does not ends at marriage, it spells greater challenges and responsibilities ahead thereafter. You, he or she could be married tomorrow too but question to ask yourself includes, “Is this eternal love or is it just because you feel obligated to fall in love ?“.

I have translated love into a scenario I always relate to. You used to find people queuing on the same place as you while waiting to board the arriving train. Over time, you become keenly aware that the queue is slowly decreasing but you are still waiting at the exact location trying to carry a glimmer of faith and hope while maintaining your calm. It is not that you cannot board the train but you do not want to because you it leads you to no where. You always believe there is one train which would stop for you while the driver hollers, “Lady! Hop on, please. This train is your ride!“.

The above is simply me for your information. Even if it is the last train, I would remain transfixed to the ground if it is not what I have been waiting for. For some, they feel the obligation to fetch the last train.

Desperate situation calls for desperate people. Eventually, it may turn out fine but I do not want to take any chance in love specially when I have not always been lucky. On the downside, some marriages would lead to divorces. Painful heartbreaks and miserable depression, it is just a waste of both people time. You tried traveling the miles on the train only to realize you have alighted as the same location where you have once boarded.

This analogy always reminds me to retain faith in myself. Frankly speaking, this issue has been eating into me many times. Sometimes, I think that it turns me into a very confused soul. This is no good. For every new individual I have met, unknowingly, I would softly questioned, “Would he be the needle which I have been searching in the haystack?“. Before I know, it pricks! That somebody is either one of those attached, married or just not the right fit to my glove.

God has always assured me that I would meet my true love one day. That is when I really feel comforted and sheltered, making the wait more bearable. I always tell myself, “We save the best for the last. To have found an eternal love is a gem. If it comes to easily, I won’t treasure. If it takes more patience to discover his presence, I know I would learn to cherish more.“

And if I’ve found him one day, I would whack him gently for making me climb the mountains, sail the oceans, resist against the storms, withstand the heat just to meet him. It pays a price to love after all…

I have always been a huge lover of the mother nature. There’s this special connection between me and the great outdoor, starked in its most original form. I feel really happy when I’m out under the azure blue sky brimmed with cheery sunshine. Once again, it makes me feel like a kid, yet all over again. This was what happened for my run to East Coast last Saturday with both Boon and Kai…

The run was particularly a joyous and divine one to me. Wearing a head band, together with the company of some decent music tucked in the ears, I have covered a rather long distance. The sight was spectacular, seriously, I was in awe.

It was filled with exuberance, when your not just the only one running. I could see the old and the young ones jogging their way out, while some choose to cycle or blade on the paths. While I was alternating between run and walk, I could see that vast blue sea just inches away from me. There are many happy people prancing around. Some sat down together on a bench as they watched the sun set while some were lazing around on a picnic map as they celebrated their Family Day away.

And when the dark sets in, the skyline was simply beautiful. They sky was highlighted shade of orange. Running pass restaurants filled with contented people who were out there to relax for the day. I feel so much liberated, just like a kite which is free to fly to wherever she wants to be.

I really appreciate the company of both good friends even though the long traveling hours kind of spook them off to turn such activity into a weekly regimen for three of us. However, I believe I would still very much like to integrate the East Coast’s run into my weekly agenda. It has a huge therapeutic effect on me, seriously. You won’t know how much lighter my mood felt at the end of the day.

On a side note, I thought it’s really sweet to see people cycling together as a family. It’s very heart warming just to see old couple sitting by the bench just to watch the hours pass way. It’s loving to see couple holding hand in hand as they blade through that concrete road.

Oh well, I have witnessed so many kinds of love in the midst…